Worry

I started bleeding again last night.

When you start seeing bright red blood coming from a place you don't want it to come from, things become really scary. Last night I felt scared, frustrated, and maybe even a little angry. I had a hard time getting to sleep last night, thinking that any moment I was going to start cramping. It's been harder this time, trying to hold on to the hope of having this child. I feel some bitterness that we have so many complications with trying to bring a child into this world. Why can't it just work RIGHT!? I know the Lord has his purposes, and that He understands everything that's going on, but it doesn't make it easy for me... because I have no idea what is going on. And I think I want to know. I was thinking this morning that I wished I could just know if this child was going to stay with us or not, but stopped myself before I prayed it out loud, thinking that... no, I really don't want to know, because where is the growth and understanding in having it made so simple.

Last night I was talking with my sister-in-law who is a few months farther ahead in her pregnancy. She struggled with morning sickness and she was expressing how she is glad that part is over. I'm pretty lucky there, because I don't have problems with morning sickness at all. As long as I eat when I'm supposed to, I don't even experience nausea... which is great. No, my problem is much worse.... I bleed all the time. At least every time you get sick, your not thinking, "am I going to miscarry?" Not that I want to have the morning sickness... and I would never wish constant bleeding, spotting, and bloodclot lose on any other pregnant woman. It's just stressful. It sucks.

How do you continue to hope for one of the thing you want more than anything else when the path is so dark? I wish My Katie was here... Girl, I need your shoulder to cry on.