This past Friday evening, it was brought to my attention that individuals within my family are angry and/or very unhappy with the things I wrote about my father Jack in my previous posting.
It has been a challenge for me to work through the muddled emotions I feel towards Jack and I wrote what I did as an outlet to those confused and hurt feelings. Many people know that I am extremely open and expressive about the things that I feel. There are only a few things in life that I keep to myself or a few select people. I would even say that I enjoy writing about the things that I go through, good or bad, so that others can participate along with me.
In writing the post about Jack, I have caused myself a more immense amount of grief and confusion because of the feelings of my family and it has been an extremely heavy burden. At first I was defensive in my thoughts, thinking that it is unfair to me to be judged on the things that I feel. In the past 3 days, I have spent a lot of time thinking, praying, searching answers from the scriptures, and have sought counsel and understanding from a few loving family members. I will state now, and hope that my family will understand that it was not my intention in any way to cause angry or hurt feelings with the things that I wrote. I sincerely apologize for any ill feelings I have caused to anyone in my family.
With my formal apology said, I will go on further and try to explain a little. This has been a very hard trial... so confusing. I have received both support for my post, and rebuttal, which has added to my frustration and confusion. It has been hard for me to get to a point where I could apologize with sincerity... as you can see, it has taken all weekend. As far as I can discern, here is where I went wrong.
First, this post should not have been written publicly and was more appropriate for my personal journal. At least, many portions of it. I will be taking out what is not appropriate for individuals outside of my family to know. And although the damage is done for those who have already read it, this is the best that I can do in order to make restitution, and will prevent anyone else from being able to read the post in it's entirety.
Next... I was selfish in my thoughts and took no concern for the life and experiences of those mentioned within the post. And though I was not intentionally trying to demonize, defame, or put down, in the eyes of others, that is exactly what took place. I like to think that I do not see myself as better than others because of my choices or others choices... but it has become apparent that my behavior and words may express otherwise.
Also, it was pointed out to me that my post may be seen as disrespecting of the dead. I am unsure how to respond to this other than to express my own feelings on the matter. Jack is gone... but he is only gone physically. He is still living. The things that he and I have to work out, will be worked out when it is my time to return to the spiritual realm. I am positive that we will have many conversations together about the why's and what's about our relationship and together, through the Atonement of our Savior, be able to forgive and understand. But for now, the things that I expressed still stand. That's how I feel and I will make no apology for those feelings other than to say sorry for being a human being and prone to carnal complications such as jealousy, anger, and pride.
With all this said, I believe my greatest offense has been that of a bad example. In our society, it has become common and acceptable to express our negative feelings towards others publicly. So, in a way, this goes back to my first explanation of writing such things in a personal journal rather than a public forum. I have not done what I have covenanted to do, and that is, "Remember Christ." This I am deeply sorry for and is my main motivation for restitution. As a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (Mormon), I (and other memebers) am often judged more harshly than others in our common Christian based community, because of our high standards. This can often be a frustrating burden. In spite of our desire to live very high standards, we are no less prone to the temptations of the carnal man then the next Tom, Dick, or Harry. I find it rather frustrating that when I make a mistake, individuals will blame my behavior on my membership in the church and henceforth cast a bad view on the LDS religion as a whole. I am a better person because of my membership in the LDS religion, and am only able to overcome my own faults and have the strength to apologize because of it's teachings which are the teachings of a loving and just Savior, Jesus Christ.
Again, I am sorry to cause my family further grief during this time of loss.
Sincerely and with love,